It has been a while since I've written. Am I as good as I once was? Let us find out. Not written about anybody in particular. Just a character I made up.
A while back I came to accept a new form of happiness, stemmed from a life changing event,
Yet it's as if I've grown more unhappy since, I've had many thoughts of having my goal relent.
I thought that by being more joyous in life, those I surrounded myself with would feel the same,
This was the polar opposite of reality. So many that know have been anything but tame.
I should have stayed in solitude, it would be much better to have kept to an eternal lonesome,
But I did not, the punishment for my openness has meant that my dreams may cease to come.
Many close acquaintances and former friends vanish as I finally reveal the true me,
Even some family loses respect and care for who I am, and what I want my life to be.
I've had so many battles in my mind, my very being and decisions are being torn apart,
I want to be happy, I truly do, but I feel in my attempts I'll end up having a more wounded heart.
I'm so close to giving up sometimes, I push on, thinking when I reach the goal all will be well,
Yet it is so very hard to forge ahead, as the actions and words of others sting inside like the worst Hell.
What am I meant to do with life, am I destined to have a sad existence to be accepted?
Or do I seek happiness, and risk those I loved and care about abandon me, leaving me rejected?
The actions of others have been vicious, destroying me inside and clawing into my very nightmares.
I'm truly frightened and saddened at the idea that this could be my life until I'm dying and have white hairs.
I'm not safe where I am, my psyche and emotions are near shattered ever since recent times,
Being treated like the lowest scum, worse abuse than even those committing the worst crimes.
I want help and to be happy. I truly do. But it seems that to others my claims are muted or muffled.
Why can't I be truly pleased with life and be loved? Having to choose one has for some time been an Internal Struggle.